Quote for reflection: “Once a person can identify that in responding they actually have a choice in the matter, they will start to realize that they are able to make better decisions. The key is that pause.”~ J. Loeks
Happy New Year! We have entered a new decade. It’s open game in how we want to be present in our lives and in the lives of others…perhaps on a larger scale. In order to do this, we somehow need to interact with others. Spirituality has shifted from finding enlightenment in isolated caves to cooperative evolvement in community.
A common form of interaction is called communication, primarily through oral/verbal or through writing. These can work well together and separately depending on the skill and intention of the people involved. Oral or verbal is one of the oldest forms of communication and can be towards others or within. I won’t get into telepathy, but it’s ancient and available to those who have developed certain skills and virtues.
We have verbal communication going on inside of us all the time. It’s called thinking or thoughts…lol. These can be comforting, calming, supportive, creative, insightful, inspirational, and loving. Thoughts can also be agitating, infuriating, depressive and disruptive. It all depends on what’s going on–in our lives, our environment, with our needs or emotions, our ancestors, our multidimensional experiences, and our internal responses to these situations.
Focused thinking or thought in a Theta brainwave state, is called meditation and is directed in different ways. If it’s felt or visualized through the tingly white light, it’s a form of communion with Creator or All That IS. Communion involves communication with the Divine…listening, witnessing, responding and/or dialoguing.
Rise to consciousness
Often through meditation, internal issues (unconscious or subconscious) ultimately rise to consciousness to be noticed, heard and hopefully cleared or readjusted. Through noticing and recognizing our discordant self talk, it’s possible to learn to understand whose voice we’re really carrying or relating to. It could be an internalized parental or authoritarian one, or it could be one where we felt seen or heard. It could be a child voice frozen in the past or our authentic voice, the one we’ve worked years to develop.
When I had a dissociative disorder many years ago, I had the thoughts and energy of 27 separate aspects to contend with and be present to. I actually experienced so many virtuous skills in learning how to communicate with these responsive, yet frozen-in-the-past, parts who interjected into my then, present life. I called them my Inner children or associates, and each had a name and purpose.
My internal education was learning to re-associate in a very different way than the reasons I separated and unconsciously created them. I had to learn how to speak to them so they felt safe and heard in their truths. This lead to a complete integration and fusion 25 years ago.
These days, more human interactions are done on cell phones with fast moving thumbs or recorders being pressed (and correcting autocorrect) than in-person. This is becoming a preferred state though I find it less intimate in relating. That is unless people are very intuitive or psychic to completely get what a situation is about, the full meaning and the real intention in what they want to relay through brief messaging.
So much miscommunication occurs through emails and texting when the energy of intention and feeling goes out the door through limited key strokes. I have to ask what half the emojis and abbreviations mean…very embarrassing!
In person, we can see the person’s facial expression, blushing cheek shades, eye movement, brow bending, knee crossing, arm positions, breath rate, shoulder height, body twitches, and back posture. In other words, body language goes along with the tone of the voice, the cadence of conversation, the pauses of the thoughts, and the sheer presence of another showing up to listen or speak.
This is why I prefer to witness my clients either in person or through skype or zoom. I want them to see me, and I, them. Not that a phone won’t work, but I feel that working with trauma needs more levels of human interactions to notice all the subtleties.
Communication in the womb
Babies are already starting to learn communication in the womb. They can see, hear and feel before their brain is actually developed. In fact, they are highly conscious and aware. They have emotions and have a spirit that can even intuit what is going on between their parents though verbal language isn’t ‘consciously known’.
When the parents or guardians are experiencing emotional upheaval and also verbally communicating in a dysregulated manner, the fetus or baby is learning these ways. They can remember…as many of my clients have presented to me in sessions.
In the lack of healthy communication skills, what occurs is ‘coping language’ which leads to disconnections. Perhaps some people don’t know they are entitled to be treated decently in being communicated to. This happens so much when we are raised in families that are authoritarian and/or trauma-based.
I learned my first cuss words in being told who I was by a raging mother. It wasn’t very pleasant. I didn’t understand what it meant, but I could feel the energy and that it was directed at me to be used as an identity piece. It took many years to ‘unwear’ it to reclaim my authentic self.
Also, this dynamic occurs within the Drama Triangle discussed in November’s blog. https://theflowofhealing.com/2019/11/01/drama_triangle/ What are we teaching our children and our other interactions about us in how we communicate?
The victim role has the ‘coping language’ that uses words of helplessness, desperation, weakness, not enough, and the ‘wrongness’ in who we think we are.
From the perspective of the persecutor and enabler roles, we are often told what to do, how to do it, when to do it, why not to do it, or what will happen if we do it or don’t do it. The tone of voice is often agitated, loud, secretive, assumptive and/or threatening. Sometimes only a facial expression implies the threat or action to be done. With words, there can be subtle or implicit language to relate the feelings.
All three roles use reactivity to feel a sense of hierarchical ‘power’ and control over or under others. Keep in mind that people are showing us their ‘lack of skills and virtues’. We can learn to use this information to stay out of judgment and notice how we want to respond consciously.
We see this kind of language reflected to us and onto others in parenting, our families, friends, schools, the news, government agencies, social media and the movies.
Examples of disconnective responses: berating, belittling, coercive, condescending, dismissive, insulting, manipulative, mean-spirited, minimizing, negating, by-passing, passive-aggression, sarcasm. In different interactive places in our life, these ways show up as: name calling, ad hominem (character assassination), astroturfing (refusing to address the data and making accusations or name calling) and gossiping. They can be forms of bullying or emotional abuse.
Coping Language Communication example:
Don’t you call me stupid, you jerk!
This reactivity comes from falling back onto old coping language patterns. It’s protective and can be a way to set a temporary boundary in a disrespectful way. It meets the energy of the other’s reactivity which is a heavy exchange.
It’s obvious that this conversation isn’t going to become connective, and it could even escalate into violence. Neither person is going to be heard or seen to share what they might need or want to relate.
Unless someone takes responsibility for their part by regulating and speaking to what they need instead, it will stay in disconnection.
There are interactions where topics are repeatedly by-passed, where important conversations are circumvented without discussion but are quite present in energy. They end up lying in unspoken assumptions and tension. This could be called the ‘bypass discussion rule’. Everything seems to return to ‘normal’ when unspoken assumptions are somehow fulfilled, or some time or space is given after the occurrence. Yet, this pattern will continue to repeat at the next or following incidences until someone makes the change to share their feelings and truth while taking accountability on their part.
Both ways of relating–the ‘coping language’ and the ‘bypass discussion rule’–will not correct the pattern of disconnection.
Healing doesn’t just mean changing beliefs, giving downloads or witnessing healings. It needs practical and applicable action in the world in order to be present for the changes in a relationship to others.
When we recognize some of these disconnective and/or coping language patterns, we can start to change them as new choices are remembered or learned. It also takes listening to how we talk within ourselves.
Part of why I’m here is to educate about (and practice) healthy communication skills–how to be able to respond rather than be reactive, how to be mindful to treat others with dignity, respect, care, authenticity, honesty, and understanding that we would also like to receive. We are at a point of spiritual development that these virtues can be made conscious in our cultural languages no matter what country. The name that our non-profit uses for these skills is Interconnective Communication®.
Interconnective Communication is a non-dualistic, heart-based, practical, and considerate communication process. It utilizes virtues, feelings, and learned skills to create safety, grounded presence, connection or respectful and caring disconnection. It can build bridges of understanding between people or de-structure unhealthy ways.
When people have been traumatized through childhood abuse, feelings and skills are often not learned or available. This process integrates emotional intelligence, emotional intimacy, and a greater inner trust with oneself and All-That-Is. It helps the practitioner and the client be more present in how they relate in their sacred time together. Learning to speak from the heart and in gentler yet authentic ways, is so essential in any kind of relationship. And it’s definitely a daily practice!
Interconnective Communication also includes skill sets like witnessing (the art of listening), holding ‘sacred’ space, trust building, empathy and care without overwhelm, emotional regulation, compassion, mindful tone of voice, a ‘pause’ and feeling into oneself. All of these and more will be elaborated on in the coming prequel information based on the revision of the original book, ‘Moving Beyond: Healing the Trauma of Physical and Sexual abuse Through ThetaHealing®’.
Some ways to use Interconnective Communication:
- We can set a boundary from another’s reactivity
Example: I noticed that in you raising your voice and telling me how to do things, I don’t feel open to hearing more now. This has happened before. I’m taking a break. My hope is that we can continue this later tonight where mutual respect occurs. Would 10 PM work?
In this example, a conscious disconnection occurred with an openness to give it another connection later if respectful communication could occur. The person ‘noticed’ the other’s intonation of voice rather than making them wrong. The behavior was pointed out, self care initiated, and then a request for reconnection. Depending how this is delivered in tone and gestures, will make it connective or not.
Taking care of one’s boundaries means taking care of one self, staying with what our needs are. If we tell another what to do (unless it’s an emergency as a child crossing the road without awareness or scaring off an attacker by yelling ‘Stop’), we are attempting to control outside ourselves rather than finding a suitable way to acknowledge what is going on inside and give it the needed attention and care.
The ‘pause’ can be used to receive a breath and create a reflective moment of inner quietude to assess one’s needs and assess a situation. This helps us to regroup and communicate from a place of choice according to what is needed.
- We can reflect back to the other in what they are saying and adding another point of view for consideration.
Example: I noticed that when you responded to me about this issue not happening yet, you said the information was spreading fear. I wondered if you might be open to knowing that what is fear to some, is education and awareness for others. Would you consider this?
There is an invitation to engage and stay in connection at another level where people can agree to disagree without an insinuation that certain topics are not able to be discussed.
- We can reflect back to the other what they are saying ‘under’ what is related.
Example: I noticed in how your body started moving a lot and you turned your head away from me. I wondered if you felt frustrated and unheard. If so, what are you needing?
There is an openness to stay in connection and help the other communicate their needs.
Using the word, ‘notice’ puts us in observation mode in what is being presented. There is no judgment in noticing what is in front of us. Using the word ‘wonder’ is making available for the other person to agree or disagree, or come up with another idea or response. Curiosity is part of this. It’s staying in connective mode.
When people relating are at different skill levels or the other isn’t ready to make the verbal or inside changes while continuing old coping language or behavior, a disconnection might occur. But even with this, being respectful of the differences allows us to move forward with dignity and integrity. Not everyone is open or ready to use their language to actually communicate in interconnective ways.
If we can use the examples as a means to become aware of ourselves at a deeper level, we are going to see how our relationships change in more heartful, peaceful, and connective ways. Again, we can work out of choices rather than reactivity.
We will be able to communicate with others deciding where and how our energy can be used in the highest and best way. We will also be able to influence more people by how we share our authentic selves in a world where these models are so needed.
To 2020=4 which is the bridge of consciousness…breaking down walls to build ‘Interconnective Communication’ bridges.
With love and peace,
Helpful Creator’s teachings/downloads
I know what it feels like to, how to, when to, that it’s possible, that it’s safe, that I’m worthy, deserving and good enough, that I can, I do (or I am/am able to be):
- To recognize my own coping language (disconnective communication)
- To use the ‘pause’ before responding
- To pause and regulate my reactivity in my mind
- To pause and regulate my reactivity in the world
- To be in conscious choice of how I communicate
- To take responsibility for my own coping language (disconnective communication) without putting myself in harm’s way
- To interpret the body language of others to better communicate with them
- To use my boundaries to stay respectful to my needs
- To set a boundary from another’s reactivity that is respectful to myself and to the other
- To ‘notice’ and ‘wonder’ in communicating to others rather than assuming
- To reflect back to the other in what they are saying and add another point of view for consideration
- To know when to stay in connective mode
- To know when to use a respectful disconnective mode
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